Magis Profundus? Vel Magis Plumbeus?

Ut panton est serenus
quod ut illic est nihilim loquor
...tamen panton loquor...

Ut lingua est lacuna in mihi;
sulum dictus est tantum silentium
quod tantum minimus quid ego vere volo transveho.........

Ut ego animadverto
plurimus meus camena
eram non vere quid ego volo loquor in ullus theca......

...ego narro in latin quoniam panton conferis in latin sanus magis profundus...


(this is probably teeming with grammatical errors but I've always wanted to experiment with Latin...anyone know any? lol maybe I should stick to English)

A rough translation can be found here:
Translation Guide.com

Indoctrination by Sphinx

In the gap that seperates each inhalation
Even silence was quiet in contemplation.
Pain finally surrendered to the sweet revelation
Of the awareness of blindness as false sanitation.

The darkness went deeper...it was my salvation.
Each scar of suffering I now wear in exaltation.
Each wound has bled into one grand culmination
Of a pain that didn't result in the expected damnation.

The smallest shift in the way I saw implication
Didn't bring death, it brought transformation.
Dancing perspectives in communication:
When I'd thought I lost everything it was just graduation.

Nothing has been lost in that profound concatenation
Not me...not my mind... not even the sensation.
Flung back on the path of constatation,
I see and embrace the unknown destination.

I may still question the existential equation
But for now the acceptance has become my elation.
It's beautiful here in this radiant sublimation
Seeing that pain always has been my emancipation.

Hypnagogic + Hypnopompic: States Between Wakefulness and Sleep

After a conversation with a very good friend yesterday, I was reminded of this special state we enter that is before actual sleep, but where we are not quite fully awake either. The first time I remember being aware of experiences in this state was when I was around 12-13. I remember just laying there on my bed and listening. I heard voices...random voices...almost like they were an echo from everything I had heard during the day but had not yet processed. When I focused more, the very first thing I consciously integrated in this state was a voice that said "the telephone rings twice...it's not the same...it's not the same." Think I'm crazy yet?

Back then, without the internet and in a small city with a limited library, I didn't find very much at all on this subject, but I did manage to come across the term 'hypnagogic', and it seemed to fit well enough. 'Hypnagogic' means "of, relating to, or associated with the drowsiness preceding sleep" (Merriam Webster's Dictionary 10th edition) I briefly experimented with it back then, but in hearing nothing recognizably significant (I recall hearing something about chocolate bars) and also due to the lack of any further knowledge, I basically forgot about it. Until last night.

The hypnagogic state is"The condition which exits between the awake and sleeping states which is characterized by illusions of vision and sound. It was first recognized around 1845 by J. G. F. Baillarger (1809-1890) in France, and W. Griesinger (1817-1869) in Germany. The state was studied by the scholar and antiquarian Alfred L. F. Maury who named it "illusions hypnagogiques." This condition is distinguished from "hypnopompic visions" which appear the moment that sleep recedes and momentarily persist in the awake state. Both types of illusions are related to the faculty of dreaming; however, hypnagogic illusions may be a precursor to out-of-body experiences." From themystica.com

While all sensory experiences (visual, auditory, olfactory and even physical sensations) have been reported in the hypnagogic state, the most common are visual imagery, but with my hypnagogic experiences being auditory, I researched it and found that "Auditory hypnagogic [and also hypnopompic] phenomena include the hearing of crashing noises, one’s name being called, a doorbell ringing, neologisms [new words or expressions], irrelevant sentences containing unrecognizable names, pompous nonsense, quotations, references to spoken conversations, remarks directed to oneself, meaningful responses to one’s thought of the moment." Mavromatis (1987) I had at last found a description of my experiences during the pre-sleep stage.


The dream cycle lasts around 90 minutes, and we go through about 4-5 of these per night.Upon further research I discovered that the most vivid dreams occur during the last cycle in the sleep period, in which the REM, or dream state, lasts the longest. (So P, I gave you the wrong advice...the alarm clock should be set 60-90 minutes before you would normally wake, rather then 60-90 minutes after you fall asleep for the best results when experimenting with dreams).

The picture above shows four of the different brainwave frequencies during different brain activities. (There is, however, a fifth frequency: gamma waves, which operate at a high frequency of 30 - 80 Hz and are the result of 'higher' brain processes such as perception and consciousness.) As shown, dreaming, deep meditation and hypnagogic imagery are all associated with Theta wave patterns (which is yet another indication of how Buddhism is indeed the middle way...lol).

It appears that hypnagogic experiences have also been found to be related to things such as sleep paralysis, ESP and OBEs (Out of Body Experiences).

Hypnopompic experiences, on the other hand have very simliar characteristics with the hypnogogic. However, "hypnopompic imagery, in particular, tends to anticipate forthcoming daily events, and in connection with actual later events it may be considered to be precognitive." (Zusne & Jones, 1989).

I think that any type of work with the mind or its various states strengthens its functioning as a whole, so I think I will start exploring these states further.

Neutrinos: The Particles of Decay

I watched a fascinating documentary on Nova last night about neutrinos, and with my reading list consisting of books on subjects like chaos theory and entanglement theory I figured it couldn't hurt to brush up on basic particle physics.

According to the current model of science, matter is composed of atoms, which in turn, are composed of particles (such as protons, neutrons and electrons). While it was originally thought that these 3 basic particles were the only ones, science has shown evidence that they are not. These 3 particles are made up of other elementary or "fundamental" particles, which are either fermions (particles of matter), or bosons, some of which perform as carriers of forces of nature, such as the weak, strong and electromagnetic forces (a gravitron, which would be a carrier of the gravitational force, would be a boson, but it is still theoretical). Neutrinos are one such additional elementary particle.

One interesting characteristic of neutrinos is that they have the ability to pass through matter almost unhindered (which they do at a rate of something around 100 billion per second). Another feature of neutrinos, the one that originally caught my attention, is the fact that they are a product of the decay or breakdown of protons and electrons. Neutrinos were actually discovered when scientists began to search for the 'missing energy' when they were studying the properties of decay. Sources of neutrinos include nuclear explosions, the nuclear fusion process in stars, supernovas and the interaction of cosmic rays with the Earth's atmosphere. Neutrinos themselves cannot be detected, so what scientists study is their interactions.

It got me thinking....

According to the first Law Of the Conservation of Energy, matter cannot be created or destroyed...it can only be transformed. So, when anything DIES (decays/degenerates), there is at the very least something basic within it that is not destroyed, that perhaps goes on to become something else (like neutrinos, perhaps).I think that the knowledge and study of neutrinos (as well as other subtomic particles) can be very useful in obtaining further scientific explanations or explorations into death, and what's more, that perhaps in the future, physics and philosophy will be disciplines that are taken much more seriously relative to the other. We would be deriving a more complete knowledge from an integrated whole composed of the science of physical reality and the pursuit of wisdom. I think the two can compliment each other greatly.

It must be said here that physics is an interest of mine, and certainly not an expertise, so anyone with more knowledge on this, feel free to correct anything I've said that is incorrect.

Notice To Sangha

It has come to my attention that some of the Nyingje Companions sangha members have been frequenting Soul Shadows.

Firstly, thanks to all of those who visit and thanks also to those who took the time to make comments. They are greatly appreciated.
Secondly, for those of you who have websites of your own, send me the website address, and I will be happy to publish links to them in the right hand column.

valleyofkings76@hotmail.com

I Made It To The CyberSangha Page

Click here to browse Nyingje Companions' CyberSangha page

and here for the Nyingje Companions' Home page.

The Days: Part 4

...and then there are the days when I feel the irony of being torn apart by the seeming conflict between this overwhelming peace and the desire for some kind of intensity....

My Random Movie Quote LOL

Sphinx's Random Movie Quote: 'You can never go too far.' - Ferris Beuller, Ferris Beuller�s Day Off Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Intelligence Vs. Instinct

Yesterday I started "This Is It: And Other Essays" by Alan Watts (I've read a few of his books, and every single one has gone in the Top Shelf Collection...very enlightening material.) One of the issues I have been contemplating for quite a while now is the matter of intellect vs instinct, and one of the essays in this book touches on just that, and threw me into a deep introspection that lasted until the wee hours of the morning. The thought occurred to me many months ago that if my intelligence (which gathers information through the 5 senses, organizes this information into categories and then attempts to predict the next sequence of events based on the patterns it has perceived) couldn't solve the monumental dilemas of existence, then maybe it was time to see what the other side could offer in terms of a solution or answer of any kind. Watts says that "the price of intelligence as we now know it is chronic anxiety, anxiety which appears to increase - oddly enough - to the very degree that human life is subjected to intelligent organization...but there are innumerable ways of dividing the world of experience into seperate facts and events...there is always the rankling doubt that important data may have been overlooked. There is therefore no complete assurance that an important decision is right." (pg 44) But if not intelligence...then what?

As humans with a tendency to impose order on chaos, our logical mind will perceive that to solve the problem of intelligence we must make a complete break away from it, and dive into the realm of instinct/irrationality. We will feel the urge to move from external factors (intelligence considers the 'outside' and brings it 'in' for further processing) to internal (instinct decides action based on emotion, and is thus a response to the 'outside' that is totally devoid of reason)

"We have difficulty in seeing the relativity or mutual interdependence of contraries. For this reason our revolts against the excesses of intelligence are always in danger of selling out to instinct." (pg 48)

It seems at this point that we have reached a conundrum. If we walk the road of intelligence,
then this seems to imply that everything is determined, everything is ordered and thus, predestined. Equally disturbing, however, is the path of instinct, which suggests that NOTHING is determined, and that the world is nothing but chaotic randomness. In other words, intelligence = lack of freedom, and instinct = lack of inherent purpose or meaning. I have been trying to make sense of this dichotomy for some time now.

"The anxiety which comes about through the conflict of intelligence with instinct, as man as the conscious will with nature both in and around him, does not seem to have any solution unless we can feel relationship, unless it is a matter of clear sensation that as determined beings we are free, and that as free beings we are determined...if we can feel this way, it will not appear that the use of the will and intelligence is a conflict with our natural environment and endowment" (pg 53)

The key, then, is not in seeing things seperately, but together. Not 'either/or', but 'both/and'. But this can't be experienced on the level of intelligence or on the level of instinct. We must merge and thus TRANSCEND to a third level in which all parts of the whole (the interdependence and connection of ALL things) can be EXPERIENCED simultaneously, without trying to impose any kind of order, pattern or judgement (i.e. of good/bad). Pure experience in the NOW.

"The mystical experience, or what I am now calling the experience of relationship...comes about from the insight that there is no proprietor, no inner controller. This becomes evident as soon as the consciousness which has felt itself to be the inner controller starts to examine itself, and finds out that it does not give itself the power of control." (pg 56)

When we stop identifying with our minds, when we stop thinking that we ARE our minds, we can realize that all we ARE is what we ARE in that very moment: in simply being. We are nothing and yet we are everything. This realization merges the polar opposites. All is perceived as one; good/bad. love/hate, rationality/irrationality, subjective/objective, personal/universal, intelligence/instinct.

It is the "task of intelligence to appreciate the inseperable relationships between the things so divided, and so to rediscover the universe as distinct from a mere multiverse. In doing so it will see its own limitations, see that intelligence alone is not enough - that it cannot operate, cannot be intelligence, without an approach to the world through instinctual feeling with its possibility of knowing relationship as you know when you drink it that water is cold." (pg 58)

The secret is finding the way to experiencing the merging of duality into the non-dual. We must come right back to the very point at which we began, and yet go beyond it simultaneously. When I first realized this schism within myself, I also realized the need to surpass the conflicting opposites somehow. Instead of choosing one or the other, the only 2 choices I thought I had at first, I chose neither, but I clearly saw the reality of both at the same time. Logic wasn't working, but then again, neither was emotion. "Good" didn't work, but neither did "bad". So I accepted both and the opposites merged. And I saw (but haven't yet fully experienced) the both/and nature of everything. I see the interdependence of variables that led me to this point. Naturally, I can thusly regret nothing, but can only sit in appreciation of everything that I have integrated so far into my own experience and personality.

In closing, intelligence = lack of freedom and instinct = lack of inherent purpose or meaning, when combined and fully accepted, transforms into a new equation which surpasses both at the same time.

INTELLIGENCE + INSTINCT = TRANSCENDANCE & TRANSFORMATION

...and this equation works no matter which dualities are merged...

Hope this was enlightening.

Things I Love: Happy V Day!

• feeling ALIVE
• people who 'get' me
• my parents
  
• my teacher, Yeshe
• my son
  
• Nietzsche (lol)
• reading
• writing
• poetry
• the internet
• synchronicity
• thunderstorms
• shiny things
• loud music
• the feeling of freedom
• Nag Champa incense
• people who use big words correctly
• the feeling of adventure
• the smell of Swiss Army for men
• sharing an 'inside' joke with someone
• spending time with myself
• having my hair brushed
• the feeling I get when seeing something from a different perspective for the first time
• taking a bath and making the water so hot that it turns my skin red
• going to a city I've never visited before and having it instantly feel like I'm home
• the feeling I get when I have just done something I feared
• when the blankets on my bed are cold underneath when I first crawl in
• having all the lights off and my apartment completely lit up with candles
• when I am petting my cat, Leo, and he puts his paw on my face
• when I see someone do something kind for someone else
• listening to someone when they really have something to say
  
• the feeling of things making sense when the pieces fit
• when I get up in the morning and my son has made me coffee
• when I am able to stop thinking and rest peacefully in the NOW
• finding meaning in places I previously overlooked
• *anything profound*

Pour Femme. Pour Homme. Pour Tout Le Monde Blog Excerpt

This is one of the most beautiful blogs I have ever read. If you haven't aleady, do visit Pour Femme. Pour Homme. Pour Tout Le Monde by enelrahs

Here's an excerpt from the latest post:

"stop pretending.

i know you have eaten your fill and leave me to the vultures. i know you are relieved because the moment i decided i had enough, i forced submission. i know your elation now that my decision to leave has left you with no choice to make. i know you feel freedom the moment i had turned my back and you impaled me with a sly smile that took form of a shiv that tore through my flesh and left a spine that splintered. i know."


See the full post HERE.

The Days: Part 3

...and then there are the days when the atmosphere is like that of a young girl who has just gone to confession...and has received a life sentence as penance...

Politics In Tibetan Buddhism: Karmapa Controversy

Buddhist scriptures first came to Tibet in the early 3rd century and since then, Tibetan Buddhism has seperated into four main schools of thought:

• Nyingma(pa), The Ancient Ones, the oldest and original order
• Kagyu(pa), The Oral Lineage, headed by the Karmapa (and has 4 sub-sects: Karma Kagyu, Tsalpa Kagyu, Baram Kagyu and Pagtru Kagyu as well as 8 minor sub-sects)
• Sakya(pa), Grey Earth Lineage, headed by Sakya Trizin
• Geluk(pa), Way of Virtue, also known as Yellow Hats, whose spiritual head is the Ganden Tripa and whose temporal head is the Dalai Lama, who was ruler of Tibet from the mid-17th to mid-20th centuries.

~From Wikipedia

The Dalai Lama (a title which means 'Ocean of Wisdom', first conferred by Altan Khan, a descendent of Genghis Khan) is not only the spiritual leader of many Buddhists, Tibetans and non-Tibetans alike, but he is also the head of state..the political leader of Tibet. In 1959, the Chinese annexed Tibet, and the Dalai Lama fled to Dharmsala, India, where he retains his seat in the Tibetan Government in Exile. The Dalai Lama was not the first recognized reincarnation of a spiritual leader, however. The first tulku (reincarnated lama, or religious teacher) was Karma Pakshi, the 2nd Karmapa (13th century). The Karmapa is the head of the Karma Kagyu school of Tibetan Buddhism, which is over two hundred years older than the Dalai Lama's 14th century rooted Gelukpa lineage. Both schools trace their roots back to similar origins. (On March 10th, 2002, which auspisciously happened to also be International Free Tibet Day, I took refuge in the Karma Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism.)




Before a Karmapa dies, he leaves a set of detailed instructions on how to recognize his next incarnation. The 16th Karmapa, Rangjung Rigpe Dorje died in 1981.





Urgyen Trinley Dorje (born June 26, 1985) has been recognized since 1992 by Situ Rinpoche (3rd highest lama), Gyaltsap Rinpoche, the 14th Dalai Lama, and was the first Karmapa to be recognized by the government of China. The recognition by the Dalai Lama has traditionally never been required. Situ Rinpoche had a letter written by the 16th Karmapa predicting his future rebirth, however some believe the letter is a forgery. Thrangu Rinpoche (teacher of my teacher) states that he personally read the 16th Karmapa's letter, and that "the first of the two letters stated clearly that Urgyen Trinley Dorje of Tibet is the 17th Karmapa. The second letter written in Rumtek, which I had read, again stated clearly that Urgyen Trinley Dorje of Tibet is the 17th Karmapa." The official website of Urgyen Trinley Dorje is here.













Trinley Thaye Dorje (born May 6th, 1983) was recognized in 1994 by the Sharmapa (2nd highest lama, next to the Karmapa). Thaye Dorje's supporters claim that traditionally it was the Shamarpa who recognized the Karmapa, and therefore no additional recognition is required or even valid. When Thaye was just a young boy he began repeatedly claiming that he was the Karmapa. Trinley Thaye Dorje's official website is here.

Although only one will be chosen, the 2nd Karmapa, Karma Pakshi predicted that "future Karmapas shall manifest in two Nirmanakaya forms."

Chinese government officials plan on recognizing their chosen Karmapa as the spiritual leader of Tibet when the Dalai Lama passes away.

The Days: Part 2

...and then there are the days when the paradox is astounding...the intensity grips me and threatens to tear me apart...and i long for the violent rapture...

Jorge Luis Borges (1899-1986)

I haven't thought about this man in a while. Jorge Luis Borges (1899-1986), best known as a poet and writer, was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina on August 24, 1899. His poetry is magnificent, and the themes of his short stories tend to be about time, infinity, mirrors, labyrinths, reality and identity. His claim is that there is no material substance; the sensible world contains only ideas, which exist for so long as they are perceived. I was introduced to him in 1996 by my long-lost friend, Jose, someone else I haven't thought of in a long time. It struck me that I've posted NONE of his stuff here yet! So here are my favourites...in tribute to Mr. Borges (may he rest in peace).


Two English Poems (the first work by Borges I ever read)

The useless dawn finds me in a deserted street-
     corner; I have outlived the night.
  Nights are proud waves; darkblue topheavy waves
     laden with all the hues of deep spoil, laden with
     things unlikely and desirable.
  Nights have a habit of mysterious gifts and refusals,
     of things half given away, half withheld,
     of joys with a dark hemisphere. Nights act
     that way, I tell you.
  The surge, that night, left me the customary shreds
     and odd ends: some hated friends to chat
     with, music for dreams, and the smoking of
     bitter ashes.  The things my hungry heart
     has no use for.
  The big wave brought you.
  Words, any words, your laughter; and you so lazily
     and incessantly beautiful.  We talked and you
     have forgotten the words.
  The shattering dawn finds me in a deserted street
     of my city.
  Your profile turned away, the sounds that go to
     make your name, the lilt of your laughter:
     these are the illustrious toys you have left me.
  I turn them over in the dawn, I lose them, I find
     them; I tell them to the few stray dogs and
     to the few stray stars of the dawn.
  Your dark rich life ...
  I must get at you, somehow; I put away those
     illustrious toys you have left me, I want your
     hidden look, your real smile -- that lonely,
     mocking smile your cool mirror knows.

                      II
 
  What can I hold you with?
  I offer you lean streets, desperate sunsets, the
     moon of the jagged suburbs.
  I offer you the bitterness of a man who has looked
     long and long at the lonely moon.
  I offer you my ancestors, my dead men, the ghosts
     that living men have honoured in bronze:
     my father's father killed in the frontier of
     Buenos Aires, two bullets through his lungs,
     bearded and dead, wrapped by his soldiers in
     the hide of a cow; my mother's grandfather
     --just twentyfour-- heading a charge of
     three hundred men in Peru, now ghosts on
     vanished horses.
  I offer you whatever insight my books may hold,
     whatever manliness or humour my life.
  I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never
     been loyal.
  I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved,
     somehow --the central heart that deals not
     in words, traffics not with dreams, and is
     untouched by time, by joy, by adversities.
  I offer you the memory of a yellow rose seen at
     sunset, years before you were born.
  I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about
     yourself, authentic and surprising news of
     yourself.
  I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the
     hunger of my heart; I am trying to bribe you
     with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat.

The Labyrinth

Not even Zeus himself could undo my nets
Of stone about me. I forget
The men I was; I take the hateful
Way of monstrous walls
That is my destiny. Straight galleries
Secretly curve into circles
At the stub of years. Parapets
Cracked with the usury of days.
I've deciphered in the pallid dust
Tracks I fear. The air brings me
In concave evenings a roaring
Or echo of a desolate roar.
I know that in the dark there is Another
Out to wear out the vast solitudes
Making and marring this Hades
And yearn for my blood and gorge on my death.
We look for each other. Would that this
the last hopeful day were.

The Other Tiger

It strikes me now as evening fills my soul
That the tiger addressed in my poem
Is a shadowy beast, a tiger of symbols
And scraps picked up at random out of books,
A string of labored tropes that have no life,
And not the fated tiger, the deadly jewel
That under sun or stars or changing moon
Goes on in Bengal or Sumatra fulfilling
Its rounds of love and indolence and death.
To the tiger of symbols I hold opposed
The one that's real, the one whose blood runs hot
As it cuts down a herd of buffaloes,
And that today, this August third, nineteen
Fifty-nine, throws its shadow on the grass;
But by the act of giving it a name,
By trying to fix the limits of its world,
It becomes a fiction not a living beast,
Not a tiger out roaming the wilds of earth.

We'll hunt for a third tiger now, but like
The others this one too will be a form
Of what I dream, a structure of words, and not
The flesh and one tiger that beyond all myths
Paces the earth. I know these things quite well,
Yet nonetheless some force keeps driving me
In this vague, unreasonable, and ancient quest,
And I go on pursuing through the hours
Another tiger, the beast not found in verse

And I also have always loved the following quotes:

"Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire."

"No one is anyone, one single immortal man is all men. Like Cornelius Agrippa, I am god, I am hero, I am philosopher, I am demon and I am world, which is a tedious way of saying that I do not exist."

"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."

"I was always afraid of mirrors."

I, too, as a youngster, was always afraid of mirrors. I had the biggest fear that I would look in one and my reflection would be that of a demonic creature. That there would be something beastly and other-worldly looking back at me. So, one day I woke up in the morning, thought to myself, 'what the hell am i so afraid of? This is riciculous' and immediatley decided that I should go and make the scariest, most evil looking face I could in the mirror to help myself get rid of this irrational fear. So I did...and got one of the biggest shocks of my life. My teeth and mouth were covered in blood! WEIRD. Bad timing, or what? I assume that my gums must have bled as I slept, because I was in no pain from a bitten tongue or cheek. It had never happened before and hasn't since. I don't know if that was a case of strong fear creating reality or if it was some kind of horrible coincidence, but needless to say, my fear of mirrors was not abated that morning. To this day, mirrors still kind of creep me out, but now I fear seeing someone else's reflection...someone who shouldn't be there. When I had stumbled upon Borges's hatred of mirrors, I felt that Borges and I were on the same wave length, even though his reason for the fear was for slightly different reasons.

"From the remote depths of the corridor, the mirror spied upon us. We discovered (such a discovery is inevitable in the late hours of the night) that mirrors hare something monstrous about them....mirrors and copulation are abominable, because they increase the number of men.... Mirrors and fatherhood are abominable because they multiply and disseminate that universe."
I think what he is saying is that mirrors simply replicate the world, thereby perpetuating deception...creating an illusion of an illusion...which creates an illusion of an illusion of an illusion and so forth. I knew then that this man had also stood on the precipice of infinity, and had become tormented by the void which he now faced.

I can't believe I had forgotten Borges. Thanks for the reminder, Yeshe.

My Vampire Personality

You scored as Marius. You are the quiet cool. You are so mellow people are lulled into a false sense of security. When you are pissed god help anyone who crosses you. Marius 92% Dracula 75% Armand 67% Blade 67% Angel 58% Spike 50% Deacon Frost 42% Lestat 33% Louis 25% Akasha 17% Whose your Vampire personality? (images) created with QuizFarm.com

What Philosophy Do I Follow?

Yet another confirmation of my primary life philosophy: You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. It is up to you to give [life] a meaning. --Jean-Paul Sartre It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth. --Blaise Pascal Existentialism 100% Hedonism 90% Utilitarianism 70% Divine Command 50% Strong Egoism 45% Justice (Fairness) 30% Nihilism 20% Apathy 10% Kantianism 5% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

Books of 2006

I don't think it will be a problem to reach my target of 40 books this year. So I have upped my target to a quite reasonable 60. This page will be updated as books are completed.

1. "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand
2. "The Satanic Bible" by Anton LaVey
3. "Soulmates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship" by Thomas Moore
4. "Life's Companion: Journal Writing As A Spiritual Quest" by Christina Baldwin
5. "Madame Bovary" by Gustave Flaubert
6. "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
7. "The Enlightened Smoker's Guide to Quitting" by B. Jack Gebhardt
8. "I'm Here Now (Are You?)" by Bhagavan Das
9. "This Is It And Other Essays" by Alan W.Watts
10. "Pandora" by Anne Rice
11. "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking (2nd time)
12. "The Words of My Perfect Teacher" by Patrul Rinpoche
13. "Eat Right 4 Your Type" by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo
14. "Does It Matter?" by Alan Watts
15. "The Two Hands of God: The Myths of Polarity" by Alan Watts***
16. "I Shudder At Your Touch: 22 Tales of Sex and Horror" edited by Michele Slung
17. "We Are But A Moment's Sunlight: Understanding Death"edited by Charles S. Adler, M.D., Gene Stanford, Ph.D. and Sheila Morrisey Adler, Ph.D.
18. "The Meaning of Happiness" by Alan Watts*
19. "In The Cut" by Susanna Moore
20. "Notes On Love And Courage" by Hugh Prather
21. "XXXXXXX: XXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXXX" by Gene Lester and David Lester
22. "Chaos: Making A New Science" by James Gleick
23. "Beyond Theology" by Alan Watts
24. "Love And Limerance" by Dorothy Tenov"
25. "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" by Gary Zukav
26. "Lady Chatterley's Lover" by D.H. Lawrence
27. "The Passionate Life" by Sam Keen
28. "Nineteen Eighty Four" by George Orwell
29. "The Origin of Satan" by Elaine Pagels
30. "Bluebeard" by Kurt Vonnegut
31. "Escape From Freedom" by Eric Fromme
32. "Story of O" by Pauline Reage
33. "The Crimes of Love" by Marquis de Sade
34. "The Denial of Death" by Ernest Becker
35. "The Wasp Factory" by Iain Banks
36. "In The Land Of Pain" by Alphonse Daudet
37. "Lila" by Robert M. Pirsig
    
38. "A Defense of Masochism" by Anita Phillips
39. "Doorway To The Soul: How To Have A Profound Spiritual Experience" by Ron Scolastico
40. "When You Love You Must Depart" by Alina Reyes
41. "Return Of The Warriors: The Toltec Teachings - Volume 1" by Theun Mares
    
42. "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" by Frederick Nietzsche
43. "Philosophy In The Bedroom" by Marquis de Sade
44. "On Bullshit" by Laura Penny
45. "Building Mental Muscle" by David Gamon, Ph.D and Allen D. Bragdon
46. "Entanglement: The Greatest Mystery In Physics" by Amir D. Aczel
47. "Notes To Each Other" by Hugh and Gayle Prather
48. "The Old Man And The Sea" by Ernest Hemingway
49. "Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka
50. "Life Of Pi" by Yann Martel
51. "Caffeine Blues" by Stephen Cherniske
    
52. "Philosophies Of Love" edited by David Norton and Mary Kille
53. "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho
    

The Question Of Soulmates

"Did you know that you often attract people into your life who look as you do in parallel or past lives? For example - you are a man seeking a female partner. You will seek out someone who looks and acts if you were a woman - like a mirror image. Your ideal partner is who you are in that physical body! We are always seeking ways to experience ourselves." From Crystalinks.com

The first evidence of the concept of soulmates appears in Plato's "Symposium", in which Aristophanes presents the theory that one soul splits in half...into male and female...in order to incarnate on earth.

Like Eckhart Tolle says, it is only natural that people would have a tendency to feel incomplete without an "other", leaving some people to search for their 'ideal' or 'perfect' mate, the one that supposedly completes them, the one who mirrors their soul back to them, who seems to understand, or 'get' them almost instantly and without effort, for their entire lives.

My Opinion: Coloured Souls

I used to believe in one perfect partner, that it was possible to find the 'one' that was an ideal match for a life partner. Being, perhaps, somewhat jaded by circumstances, I have come to believe that maybe this is just silly. I now think that people can have more than one 'soulmate', each suited to which stage one is at in their lives. Each 'soulmate' thus fulfills a purpose (ie. a life-lesson to be learned) depending on one's level of growth. My first long-term relationship (4 years, 9 months, 25 days) was with someone who was nothing like me at all, and could certainly not be described as a soulmate. However, we shared the common destiny of bringing a child into the world. With regards to my other long-term relationship (8 years, 7 months, 13 days if you don't count the two times we broke up before I actually made it final), I actually did view him as a soulmate for the first 5 years. I think that maybe he was a soulmate, but only for that time in my life. The 'soulmate' connection was severed when I grew beyond the boundaries of the relationship, and his stubborn refusal (perhaps inability) to grow limited the relationship to the same stagnant sludge that it had become over time.

Was my friend right? Do relationships always end up with the colour drained out of them, like "old socks"? I say NO, that it is possible for two people to grow together, and thus sustain the relationship by incorporating their own changing personalities. I DO think this is a rare acheivement, however, and one which can only be accomplished by people who are 'evolved'; people who are able to see and accept both the changes in themselves, and also the changes in the other. Because people WILL change.

Bringing this back to the question of soulmates, I like to use a 'colourful' metaphor. There are perhaps an infinite number of 'souls' (my post on souls will be posted at a later date), all of different colours and different shades of these colours. A soulmate could be said to be the one whose 'soul shade' most closely matches your own (at that time). When people change, not only do certain beliefs and values change, but so do dreams and goals for the future. And as the requirements of your soul changes, so does its 'colour'. Thus, I think that depending on a variety of circumstances, someone can have several soulmates in this lifetime, each one serving a specific purpose or fulfilling a karmic role.

An immense freedom is gained if one accepts the possibility of multiple soulmates. I'm not saying that everyone necessarily has multiple soulmates, simply that this is one of the possibilities that presents itself in life. It's entirely possible to love someone and have an intense connection for your whole life, its just not the way it happens most of the time. I see no reason to lose hope, however. Part of the reason I have come believe in the existence of several 'soulmates' is 1) if you love and lose it doesn't have to take away any meaning from the relationship or the bond that was shared and 2) I thought S was my soulmate at one time and I don't like to be wrong. (haha) Besides, it's a pretty disheartening thought to have loved and lost a soulmate and to thusly believe that you have lost your one chance for a deep emotional/mental/spiritual bond and a 'true' love.

Buddhist View On Soulmates

The obvious answer is that Buddhists don't believe in 'souls', per se, so how could they have an opinion on soulmates? But assuming that Buddhists must believe in some type of soul, or else what is it that's supposed to reincarnate? I think that perhaps a Buddhist would say something like 'your soulmate is yourself', or 'everyone is your soulmate'. (Yeshe...u reading this? What do you think? Scroll to end of post and click 'comments' to reply)

Nietzsche (of course) On Soulmates

First of all, if Nietzsche were to have been asked what he thought about Plato's view on soulmates, one of the first things that would have come out Nietzsche's precious mouth would have been about how "Plato is boring." Although Nietzsche thought that love is larger than the two who create it ("what is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil"), he also would have believed that the ubermensch is already complete without another.

"The things people call love.— Our love of our neighbor—is it not a desire for new possessions? And likewise our love of knowledge, truth, and altogether any desire for what is new? Gradually we become tired of the old, of what we safely possess, and we stretch out our hands again; even the most beautiful scenery is no longer assured of our love after we have lived in it for three months, and some distant coast attracts our avarice: possessions are generally diminished by possession. Our pleasure in ourselves tries to maintain itself by again and again changing something new into ourselves,—that is what possession means. To become tired of some possession means: tiring of ourselves....Sexual love betrays itself most clearly as a desire for possession: the lover wants unconditional and sole possession of the person for whom he longs, he wants equally unconditional power over the soul and over the body of the beloved; he alone wants to be loved and desires to live and rule in the other soul as supreme and supremely desirable. If one considers that this means nothing less than excluding the whole world from a precious good, from happiness and enjoyment; if one considers that the lover aims at the impoverishment and deprivation of all competitors and would like to become the dragon guarding his golden hoard as the most inconsiderate and selfish of all "conquerors" and exploiters; if one considers, finally, that to the lover himself the whole rest of the world appears indifferent, pale, and worthless, and he is prepared to make any sacrifice, to disturb any order, to subordinate all other interests—then one comes to feel genuine amazement that this wild avarice and injustice of sexual love has been glorified and deified so much in all ages—indeed, that this love has furnished the concept of love as the opposite of egoism while it actually may be the most ingenuous expression of egoism.... Here and there on earth we may encounter a kind of continuation of love in which this possessive craving of two people for each other gives way to a new desire and lust for possession, a shared higher thirst for an ideal above them: but who knows such love? Who has experienced it? Its right name is friendship."

I believe Nietzsche is describing the elements of the 'evolved' relationship. The point here, is that it seems that Nietzsche would say that soulmates share an 'ideal' love that combines all the elements of sexual love, friendship, and a common spiritual desire. I think he would go on to say that soulmate relationships (or relationships that are 'evolved') could only occur between two 'ubermensches', or people who strive to 'surpass life' together, in relatively enlightened circumstances.



"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

~Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

Lateralus by TOOL

TOOL lyrics

Addicted To Quzzes This Morning

Your Life Path Number is 1

Your purpose in life is to lead others. You have great drive and determination. Nothing is going to stand in your way. You seek out challenges and the spotlight. You'll take all the work - and all the glory. Status and success are important to you. You demand the best from everyone and everything. In love, you tend to take a protective role. You enjoy being the provider in relationships. You expect others to be like you, and as a result, you are often disappointed. A little selfish and vain, you always put yourself first. Remember, everyone already knows you're great - you don't need to remind them!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

(fairly accurate, but status is not important to me)

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are 23 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

(hmmm...am i young at heart? or simply going backwards in time? either way this one made my day)

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Birthdate: July 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice! Your strength: Your self sufficiency Your weakness: You despise authority Your power color: Maroon Your power symbol: Hammer Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

(nice...maybe this is why i "philosophize with a hammer" LOL...and maroon is the colour of my robes)

If anyone takes these quizzes for themselves, please notify me...I'm curious as to your results.

Fragile Peace

Don't you know it's delicate
This fragile peace I keep?
Embraced by a serenity
Calmer than the deepest sleep

Have you felt the endless afflictions
Of meaninglessness and void?
Or know why I wish to liberate
This defeated humanoid?

It's the decades that have seized me
And made the hours an epic poem
Each emotion, each experience
A lonely chapter in the tome

So jaded by the pointless stories
Of wasted sentiment
Of verses of life's emptiness
And songs of sanity's ferment

In times like these, however
This dark burden melts away
The desolation and futility
Transformed from night to day

But don't you know it's delicate
This fragile peace I keep?
Embraced by a serenity
Calmer than the deepest sleep...

How Do I Feel?: An Emotion In Pictures

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle captured my attention with "I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside." (page 9)

Tolle begins by reminding us that it is MIND that has created the illusions that veil the true nature of reality. We are slaves to the mind, most of us completely unaware that we have become lost in the chaos and noise of our thoughts, not knowing that it is also completely within our power to shatter these illusions.

Tolle claims (quite rightly, I believe) that the reason we have gotten stuck so deeply within our own minds is because we identify with it. We think we ARE our minds "because you are identified with it, which means that you derive your sense of self from the content and activity of your mind. Because you believe that you would cease to be if you stopped thinking." (page 18)

The key is within the power of NOW.

Tolle states that we have created a "pain-body", an accumulation of all the pain and negativity from past emotional hurts, and that many of us live almost entirely through this "pain-body". It clouds our perception of reality. It perpetuates the suffering in our lives because we have come to believe that this "pain-body" is who we are. Thus, we find it difficult to break away from the pain, and our light of consciousness doesn't get through the thick fog it creates.

However, "Sustained conscious attention severs the link between the pain-body and your thought processes and brings about the process of transmutation. It is as if the pain becomes fuel for the flame of your consciousness, which then burns more brightly as a result." (page 33)

There is nothing that exists except the present moment. Nothing is real but NOW. Everything else is illusion, and simply creation of the mind. "The whole essence of Zen," says Tolle, "consists in walking on the razor's edge of Now - to be so utterly, so completely present that no problem, no suffering, nothing that is not who you are in your essence, can survive in you." (page 43)

One of Tolle's most salient chapters is the chapter called "Enlightened Relationships". He explains that while it is completely natural to feel physically incomplete (because we are EITHER man OR woman), most of us get caught up in addictive, ego-gratifying relationships that are ultimately about 'self' instead of 'other'. He says that the ability to become fully present in the Now of any relationship can break us from this painful pattern. While explaining this, Tolle also clears up some of my confusion about the Buddhist view on relationships. I was told by my teacher that true 'love' is love that is not exclusive. It is felt to be the same for everyone. I have always had a bit of a problem understanding this, but Eckhart explains it beautifully. "Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the "love" of ego. However. the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship between him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs." (page 129) He also discusses how relationships can be a spiritual practise.

If there is one book you read this year (or even in your life) then this should be it. This is one of those 'life-changing' books, of which even an avid reader finds only a few in a lifetime. I will keep this one handy for me to contemplate these words of insight, again and again. Definitley a book for my "Top Shelf" collection. (To see my book collection click here.)

PS...THANK YOU...a million times...you know who you are...

Korn, The List and A Karmic Twist

Looks like I'll be striking something else off of my list of things to do....

I got a call from the ex's sister yesterday. She had won a bunch of stuff on the radio, and one of the things she won was tickets to see KORN in Toronto on April 4rth!! April, one of her 2 daughters (both of whom in my heart will always be my nieces) remembered (I'm so touched) that it was one of my most favourite bands, so she told Terry, and she called me and asked me to go with her! She even told me that she would give me the money to take the bus there if I didn't have it (sweet woman). Terry doesn't even know about The List!

And to think...Terry and I, although we've been absolutely like family to each other over the last decade, both helping each other when it was needed and when we could, we are both so different that we would probably never even have this strange connection at all if it wasn't for the ex... or the kids.

It's strange how things work out sometimes, with destiny culminating in the strangest places...and with the most unlikely people............................

YES!!!! I'M GOING TO SEE BOTH KORN AND NINE INCH NAILS IN LESS THAN A MONTH APART!!!!

I'm also saving money so I can cross off 2 more things this coming summer. One will be the hot air balloon ride..the other shall be a trip to one of those locations I mentioned in The List.

As it stands right now, the destination is yet unknown, but the year of my 30th birthday is turning out to be more synchronous and more fulfilling than I could have imagined. And I actually feel GOOD...haven't felt like this in MONTHS. All this revelation and karmic insight and clarity in a matter of only days (since Sunday...I checked my journal) Right NOW, what more could I ask for? I must be dreaming....

i am

i am...

still....

what I am...

although what i am...

was never...

what i really thought...

i was...

always...

looking...

but didn't SEE...

what i am...

or what i was...

or what i will be...

nor that THIS...

always was...

the answer to the question...

of why...

and what...

and who...

i am...

Additions To "Things To Do" List

There are 2 recent additions to my list.

Check out my list in its entirety HERE.

Insight

Strange when the pieces all fall into place
The point has been proven before I've made my case
Flashes of insight, graphic enlightenment
Suspends all desire to cease earthly entanglement
A path through the fog has unfolded before me
Awakened to light before blackness could hold me
This karmic resplendence and shocking lucidity
Bears abstract penetrations of extreme intensity
No stranger to darkness, but a newcomer to truth
I can now dance to the music of my wasted youth
My hand grasps the top of this nefarious chasm
And I walk away, beyond reach of the phantasm
Still weak from the damage, I begin to recover
With anticipation of possibilities and new worlds to discover.

Will this last???