A Demon At 3 AM?

I awoke from a creepy nightmare tonight, and have had an interesting past hour. Now I sit here...shortly after 3 am, contemplating dreams, life and reality. Sometimes it seems that every experience I have lately confirms that it is time for change. I know I won't have to DO anything to start the process. Life has a 'life' of its own, and moves/changes of its own accord.

In a sense, we are in the world, but not OF the world. We obviously exist here, now in this physical universe, and yet many of us 'know' or have the feeling or intuition that there is something beyond this that we just can't see. Something beyond this world, but also a part of this world at the same time. Sometimes I feel so insufficient and frustrated because I know this and yet I can't SEE this. And as always, the mundane in life will always pull me closer and closer to its event horizon.

I feel as if I stand on the precipice between two event horizons, or points of no return. On one side is the vacuum of the meaninglessness...and on the other is the emptiness of spirituality. The more spiritual I become, the more I feel like I'm losing myself. Even though there is no self to lose. In a conversation I had today with a friend, we discussed how there seem to be many different people or personalities within us. He said that as we start to disassociate from our ego that our different personalities begin to fall away individually. I see this happening to me and I become filled with trepidation.

Which brings me back to my dream. In the dream there was an ugly little demon. Something would happen in the dream that would be very graphic and bloody...and then amidst the surprise, the little demon would grab someone and just steal them away. In my dream I was running from the demon down the streets of my hometown.

Maybe I shouldn't be running. Maybe I should go meet the demon of my own volition. I suppose this all symbolizes a certain fear about what happens when I completely lose myself. Perhaps the wording, and thus conceptualization of this is wrong. Maybe I am not 'losing' myself...more like dissolving my illusory selves into a greater oneness. Maybe if I delve into contemplations of oneness and have a firsthand taste of it for myself, I can realize that there is nothing to fear...not loss, not void, not meaninglessness. That's where I exist NOW, so losing self cannot be a step in the wrong direction.

But I don't know. I'm half asleep, and my eyes are blurry. Maybe I will laugh at this when I wake up in the morning.