The Awful Truth

there are times when
strange synchronicities
contradictory pleasures
and unintended gifts
(if only you knew)
within the paradox
of vacant wholes
appear briefly
to mean something
before fading into enigmatic obscurity

but now
i am infiltrated
penetrated
disgusted
by the insubstantial
unseeing gaze
of unquestioning entities
and i am slightly numbed from the effects
of too many placebos

this pulsating
organic
monolithic restriction
of my self
imprisons me
deceives me
keeps me alive with tricks
delusions of possible transcendence
and the irrational hope
for an infinitley desired end
to this flatness
and this pointless
involuntary
manic
futile
striving

the pathetic insubstantiality
and the naked emptiness
of this cruel and shallow void
is a sickness perpetuated
and emphasized
by the confused and hopeful masses
with their stagnant
carbon-copy
flat-line existence
built with the protections
of ignorance and denial

i'd rather have
the excruciating
but ecstatic sensation
of my soul being torn apart
and that temporary
comforting
insane feeling
that i could re-integrate
the many things that i am
and the nothing that i am
into something far beyond my self
and perhaps
something even greater

but
all the illusory reasons and purposes
have been shattered
by a caustic reality
annihilating my perceived reflection
(even that was an illusion)

a massive implosion of unacceptable truth
has discredited
those desolate but auspiscious contemplations
that used to provide my sanctuary
and all that remains is
stale obligation
and a naive concept
of possible redemption

my karma is much too heavy
and it suffocates me

for a second
i believed
in transcendence
i thought
i knew something
but it wasn't until now
that the awful truth crystallized
into a most horrible conclusion...

...that it was all a dream
lost beyond the event horizon
i am a fool
for believing
that i could ever escape
and i am stupid
for thinking
that i was anything else
but the crushing singularity
responsible for it all
mea culpa
mea maxima culpa