I found this in my post drafts tonight. I never posted this, but it was dated for September 12 2005...over 2 years ago. It's interesting...at least for me...to observe the very different state of mind I was in then. In a strange way I remember it all as if it were just yesterday....
As I sit here with my existence beside me, my mind fills with nonsensical thoughts and the lucidity of SOMETHING yet I am not quite sure what.
I have felt this change coming...
What is all this for? Why does this haunt me so? What unforseen predestination has carried me to this place...this place so dark yet so full of illogical possibilities?
Hard to push through this haze of confusion...to lift this veil to clarity...I am existing yet I am not alive...eyes dying from perpetual sameness...the infinite repetition of samsaric trivialities over and over and over and over and over......spirit inside...so trapped...so restricted...so RESTRAINED.
Meaning dying to be found...but meaning found only within the dying...
Beauty coloured crimson...purpose in the vermillion...
Salvation as my long-lost lover...but like a thief in the night it continues to elude me...
Intensive emotion, emotive intention....if only things weren't so hazy...if only things were more concrete...more REAL...
Let's just get this over with..I'm empty either way.
So fuck it...push me into the abyss where the demons of my past will welcome me, where I can let go of my false hopes and dreams...where I will be released of all obligation, where there is nothing except myself....and this grandiose pain...
Which way shall it be? I stand on the threshold of experience...on the fork in the road which demands decision....and which...way....shall...it...be?"
I can only offer whatever I have at any given time...and that's not much. I can put on a superficial persona and let everyone see me as a giving, kind, honourable person...and that IS who I am....but that could change at any moment as I slip back into the chasm...no one sees this suffering within me...this deep dark secret world of existential anguish....to be or not to be...THAT IS THE QUESTION...but to what end, either way???? Neither choice makes any sense...how can I save others when my salvation exists outside of myself? Yes I know, all you Buddhist readers out there...salvation exists only within the emptiness...within that beautiful refuge of the 3 Jewels...but here I am in this vast emptiness and yet the suffering breeds and grows...so is there salvation in pain? In some ways I can see logic in that...and in some ways it makes me want to bring it and face it head on...at least then there would be something....
Now wait a minute here....if everything is just a representation of internal perception...then everything external IS internal...so then my perceptions are what hold the salvation then? Perhaps find a way to merge the internal with the external? I dont even know if I'm making sense here...it's been a long day...but a good one with some positive signs...or perhaps this is only my perception of things...perhaps they are not positive at all...I always doubt my perceptions...they have been illusions many times before....
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