One day, in a combination of feeling the rapid approach of the commencement of my 'thirties and also being inspired to introspect into my dreams and life so far by a friend who apparently knew exactly what they wanted and had the will to pursue it determinedly, I saw my existence in a different light.
I realized that while every dream I've had was lost to the past, they had only appeared to be lost. They only transformed into new dreams, new ideas. Perhaps my melancholy in regards to this is not despair due to failure, rather the mourning of the old...the grief that comes before the peace in letting go. On the other hand, maybe its due to the fact that other than my B.A., what I have accomplished is immaterial...insubstantial. At the end of my life when I ask myself if I am satisfied in what I have done, at this point I would have to say no. I hear Yeshe, my teacher's voice saying 'don't be so hard on yourself', but at least if we are at the 'no' answer, it means we are still facing the beautiful multitude of possibilities. And if I don't drive my own will to power no one else will.
The judgement you face at the end is your own. My purpose in life is saying an emphatic 'yes' as my final answer.
(I guess this poses another question...is there happiness in mere possibility?)
"What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you in your loneliest loneliness and say to you: this life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you." (Nietzsche) Considering that you have no choice, would you embrace the demon or fight against it?
Even with no choice I would still want to live a life that would be tolerable in eternal recurrence. The list is my game plan; my strategy towards being able to answer either question with a smile on my face.
That was a longer blurb than I had intended. I realize there's a very similar list on my website, but now its also here for posterity, consolidated through various sources, including an old journal.
Anyway, here's the list:
Anyway, here's the list:
- Go to Egypt and see the pyramids and The Sphinx
- Go anywhere in India
- Go to the Potala, Tibet
- Go to Angkor Wat, Cambodia
- Go to Machu Pichu, Peru
- Go to Amsterdam, The Netherlands
- Go to New York City
- Set foot in every Canadian province and territory. (I have taken Ontario (1976-present), Manitoba (1990), Saskatchewan (1990), Alberta (1990), British Columbia (1990) and Quebec (2004) off my list, leaving Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Yukon, Northwest Territories and Nunavut.)
- Live in another country
- Be on a TV gameshow (like The Amazing Race, Survivor or Jeopardy)
- Have a role in a movie (an extra on Star Trek would be nice)
- Live in a monastery
- Get a tattoo DONE (first tattoo July 31st 2005, second August 2005)
- Teach
- Write a book
- Meet the Dalai Lama
- Plant a tree
- Give blood
- Make a will
- Quit smoking
- Go on a hot air balloon ride
- See a band in concert DONE (first concert was DISTURBED with my brother, Chris Sept 6, 2005.)
- See Tool in concert DONE (saw them in Toroonto with Chris, Robi, Curtis, Jason a.k.a. Henry, and Paul on Sept. 23rd, 2006)
- See Korn in concert DONE (saw Korn in Toronto with Mudvayne April 4rth, 2006)
- See Nine Inch Nails in concert DONE (saw NIN with my brother, Chris on his 26th birthday...March 6th 2006)
- Meet one Canadian Prime Minister WHILE he holds the position (came close...met Jean Chretien when he was running for head of the Liberal Party)
- Meet at least one American President (former or current...damn, I missed Clinton when he was here)
- Learn more languages (studied French in school till I was 14, took first year Russian in university)
- Go see a live opera in honour of my Gramma (August 19, 1919-August 17, 2000). Added Feb 1st, 2006
- Write an entire poem in Latin. Added Feb 11th, 2006 DONE??? (Not sure if Magis Profundis? Vel Magis Plumbeus? should be included or not...it's not very grammatical lol )
4 comments:
M,
"I realized that while every dream I've had was lost to the past, they had only appeared to be lost."
Yes, very true, they "Appeared"
if they appeared so, the dreams of
future that you possess now, aren't they too "appearing" like something that you want ?
I know, fighting the demon is vain and i would embrace him too, cause he made a speculation that's inherently flawless.
you have brought out a beautiful phenomenon in your post, how the increasing self-awareness in you changes everything that you wanted to do, why somethings that we yearned for so long look pointless now.
Also, i liked the solution, which is to recognize the vanity of dreams, but never stop dreaming.
P
That's an ambitious list, but that's what life is for I would say. If we have no ambition to create happiness and experiences for ourselves, no one else will do it for us. I also like the range and variety of your ideas. They all seem doable as well.
You've inspired me to work on my own list. It shall be posted in the next fortnight, forthwith.
Embrace the demon (do you remember our chat about my view of devil?)
6(66) is his number you know ;-)
I hope you'll realize them all but I think you know which wish in your list that "I WISH" you'll realize first!
@P....
Perhaps they always 'appear' as I want because they ARE things I currently 'want'. As I change, so too do my dreams. Perhaps thats a reason why I see myself as not having accomplished much....I have changed very much, and thus my dreams, perspective, philosophy, desires have also changed, making it appear that nothing is solid (including my dreams or accomplishments). You've helped me with a good insight here. Thanks P
@Joe....
I'm looking forward to seeing that list!!
@Nothing...
I'd freakin better accomplish them all! I always remember my Gramma saying that it was a dream of hers to go to an opera house and see a live opera. She never got a chance to, and I've always felt sad about that. Actually, I think I'll add that to my list of things to do before I die...in memory of her. :-)
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