Today's Blargity

Today I am filled with apathy and amotivation. I want to get another tattoo. Right now. I won't be able to see Amanda as planned but I will see Polish at 330. I am yet again going in search of a winter coat. Blah blah smeh. I miss my friends. I just cut myself off from all of them pretty much except Jeremy over the past couple months. I miss my teacher. He's still in Nova Scotia. When he comes back I will attend Sangha meetings more regularly. Once a week again at least.

I think I am too honest.

I think I'm too existentially oriented.

I look too much for meaning.

I want a new life. I want to do something else. I want experience and the taste of new things. I want to be useful. I want my life to have meant something...to have served a purpose of my own choosing. I want to experience all of it. I am aging as I type this. I am wasting away as I take each breath. With every exhalation I die and with every inhalation I come to life again. Over and over. Endless. Death is simply no more inhalation. Dying is your last exhalation. Its as simple as that. Think about it for a while.............

And then think about it again.......

I know what I want yet I don't know what I want.

But I am going to make it happen. Somehow. Someway.

I fight this urge to leave it all behind and throw everything away every day. I know I know....meditate more. Ya ya.

Right.

Blarg.

I miss Tania. :-(

I miss my Gramma.

I miss my teacher.

I don't miss being suffocated. I am happy I'm free. Finally. Perhaps I should focus on that.

I have to go.....public transit beckons..........