Perhaps All Decisions Lead To This

I feel immobilized and trapped by every aspect of my life. My job, my debts, my son, my feelings...the possibility of my unrecognized but quite apparent insanity.

I am slowly losing energy to this demon of melancholy...I have no motivation and am so tired. And irritable. But it comes and it goes.

I need to focus on my goals. What goals? I need something short term. I find after finishing University, I experience the general feeling of 'what the heck do I do now?' And now that I think I have something to work towards...what do I do in the meantime????

WTF

If I had the money....I'd leave right now....right this second...start over brand new and forget my old life...do you know that feeling right after you've made a decision that turned out bad that you could ALMOST go back and change it...that sense that everything is surreal..that choices are so tangible and concrete that you can almost touch them? That frustration of being so close...so close to erasing things and making a different decision?

But perhaps all decisions lead to this...

I just don't know anymore and I'm so tired of the games and the struggle on one hand, the monotony and utter boredom on the other. The feeling of never ever being in my element. Why does everything every day have to be so hard?

But I'm babbling. Blahblahblah. Who the hell cares anyway? Just the mind of a buddhist gone loco.........